Friday, March 13, 2009
Life's not fair....
Ever feel like no matter how hard you work nothing is ever good enough ... like everything you want and work for everyone else has before you? Ever think its personal like God is punishing you? Ever feel like its just not fair?
I always remember my parents telling me as a kid "well life's not fair" and oh how true that saying has become in my life. Today is Friday and usually I love Fridays - and well I do love today because my husband finally comes home after another week away... and I got to go out for breakfast this morning with my sister and my grandma which was very special but today I just feel like life is not fair and it plain old sucks. I often wonder if Adam and Eve hadn't fallen for the temptation of Satan in the garden if sin had never come to being what would my "perfect" life look like. Would then I feel like life is fair.... would I have the house we have been working so hard to save for... would I be the mommy to that baby I have been praying for.... would I be "beautiful" by hollywoods standards? Sometimes when I lie in bed... yes I wish I was one of those people who hit the pillow and fall asleep but that has never been the case with me... I let myself imagine what life would be life if I was rich, or if I could have anything I really want. I know in the end no money will make me happy and there will always be something out there I want but don't have but its fun to pretend for a minute.
I often get frustrated with God when I see people around me who don't live their lives pleasing to God and yet it seems like he is blessing them and not me. Now I am not saying I am by any means the perfect Christian because man I have alot of areas to improve on but I try my best to live my life daily for Him and I want to be the best Christian I can be to point others to him but then I fall and I get so self centered and I get mad at God because I feel unblessed (I dont know if thats a real word but I am using it anyways). I know Im probably not alone in feeling this way...atleast I hope Im not cause then that will make me feel really guitly. I fail so often to find the blessing in the things I do have rather then look at all the things I dont have and I wish I had or I feel like I do deserve to have.
Now Im feeling bad about being honest here because I dont want to hurt anyones feelings by saying what I've said. I in no way am saying that if you have a house and a baby you don't deserve it. I believe one day I will have a house too (just when I have enough money saved to pay for the thing) and hopefully a baby one day. Its just I had to write what was on my heart...
*Edit - after rereading this post I already noticed two blessings in my day today - my husband comes home, and breakfast out with my sister and my Grandma *